Hello readers!

So, SO sorry I haven't updated in a long time; I've been SUPER busy with school lately. Anywho, here's some randomness that I garbled up during my Colbert-athon this past weekend.

Stephen recently presented his newest segment, "Fallback Position." I wondered what else he could do for that and came up with this (myself being the girl in the story, OF COURSE). ;D

I was gonna write it more story-like, but in the end, I found it easier to write as if it were a script, so, sorry if it's a little strange to read. But, yeah. :]

So, enjoy the randomness! And remember; a comment is as good as a hug.



Stephen Colbert’s FALLBACK POSITION
*Hall Monitor*

“A few weeks ago, I debuted my new segment, ‘Stephen Colbert’s Fallback Position,’ to find out what I could do for my job if I were ever to be fired from this one…you know, hypothetically.”
Laughter.
“Since then, a young woman 17 years of age, whose name I’m not allowed to say because she’s not legal yet…or so I’ve been told by my lawyer…sent me a suggestion for my next installment. I took that suggestion, claimed it as my own, pitched it to my writers, and now, I present to you, ‘Stephen Colbert’s Fallback Position: Hall Monitor.’”
Laughter ensued following the non-legal minor statement, then following the mention of plagiarism from a high-school girl.


The screen went black as the words, “Stephen Colbert’s Fallback Position, Hall Monitor” appeared in silver. Stephen’s voice rose from the quiet background.
“I went to Hilliard Darby High School in Ohio to find out what it would take to be a hall monitor.”
A shot of Stephen opening one of the four doors to the little lobby and then one of the eight doors leading to the hallway graced the screen.
“As I strolled the halls of this quaint little school -”
A shot of Stephen trying desperately to get through the huge crowds of teenagers swarming in the hallway.
“- I realized that it would take a lot to keep these rowdy teens in line.”


“So, you’re a hall monitor here, correct?” Stephen asks.
“Yes, that’s correct.” The woman was dressed in a denim, collared shirt with khakis, black shoes, and a white undershirt.
“Okay, so, what does it take to be a great hall monitor?”
“Well, you have to have authority.”
“I govern my own nation, so I’ve got plenty of authority.”
“And you need to be strict with the students.”
“No problem-o, strictness comes from having kids.”
“And you need to take your job seriously.”
“I’m nothing BUT serious.”
“Good.”
“So, you wanna meet behind the bleachers later?”
The woman gives him a weird look, then shakes her head slowly.


“With the guidelines I now needed, I roamed the halls, looking for students to reprimand.”
A shot of Stephen screaming at kids walking down the otherwise empty halls, who actually pay very little attention to him.
“I decided that it would be best to also get a student’s opinion of hall monitors, so I spoke with the suggestor of this career, Miranda Doerfler.”
A shot of Miranda standing in front of a row of lockers with a few friends.
“Miranda, what do you think it takes to be a hall monitor?”
A shot of Miranda looking to her friends, shrugging her shoulders, then looking back to Stephen.
“Being a douche bag.” Her friends laugh, then nod.
“I have to be a douche bag?”
“Yeah.”
“That might be tough…I’ll ask Jon Stewart about that.”


“I realized that these kids were very difficult to manage -”
A shot of Stephen on the ground, being “kicked” by five, tall high-school boys.
“- but I knew that if I persisted, I could be a great hall monitor.”
A shot of Stephen commanding attention in the hallway by shouting Shakespeare at them while people are switching classes.
“STUDENTS OF DARBY HIGH SCHOOL! LEND ME YOUR EARS!”
Everyone stares at Stephen for a moment, then a freeze-frame of Stephen’s shouting is taken and a piece of notebook paper with the list of qualities needed to be a hall monitor and small boxes next to them slides onto the left side of the screen. The first box, next to “have authority,” is checked with a red checkmark.
A shot of Stephen yelling at a short freshman carrying a ton of books in the otherwise empty hallway without a pass. Another freeze-frame, the paper slides in, and the box next to “be strict” is checked with a red checkmark.
A shot of Stephen walking down the hallway looking very professional and shouting at passing students every couple of minutes. Another freeze-frame, the paper slides in, and the box next to “take your job seriously” is checked with a red checkmark.
A shot of Stephen yelling at a cowering student in the hall, shouting, “NO PASS, NO PISS! GET YOUR ASS BACK TO CLASS!” A final freeze-frame, the paper slides in, and the last box next to an obviously-scribbled-in “be a douche bag” is checked with a red checkmark.
A shot of Stephen smiling and giving a thumbs-up to the woman hall monitor he’d spoken to in the beginning of the segment. The woman shakes her head.
A shot of Stephen quickly ducking out of the school with Miranda and looking around cautiously, the both of them running out to his limo.
“Go, go!” he says to her, shoving her into the backseat.


“And now, I can be a hall monitor!” Stephen said, getting applause and laughter from his audience. “We’ll be right back.”