WONDERLANDWONDERLANDWONDERLANDWONDERLAND

    Allison could hear voices coming from behind a small cottage. It was an adorable house, but she wanted to look into the singing she was hearing. She walked around to the gate in the back of the house that led to a very long table with many chairs surrounding it. There were teapots and teacups and saucers and sugar cups and so on and so forth, scattered all about the table. And the teapots were…whistling a tune? There were two figures at the far end of the table; the Mad Hatter and the March Hare. And they were singing loudly (and not very well, I might add).
    “A very merry unbirthday…to me!”
    “To who?”
    “To me!”
    “Oh, you!”
    “A very merry unbirthday…to you!”
    “To who?”
    “To you!”
    “Oh, me!”
    “Let’s all congratulate us with another cup of tea! A very merry unbirthday to you!”
    Allison clapped for the two, but when they heard her, they looked down to the far end of the table where she was sitting and just about had a conniption fit. They began waving their hands around and ran over to her.
    “No room! No room! No room! No room! No room! No room! NO ROOM!” they shouted, jumping over each other to get to her.
    “But I thought there was plenty of room.”
    “Now, but it’s very rude to sit down without being invited!” the March Hare said, wagging a finger at Allison.
    “I’ll say it’s rude! It’s very, very rude, indeed!” the Mad Hatter said.
    “Very, very, very rude, indeed.” the lab mouse said, lifting his head up out of a teapot with the lid resting on his head.
    “Well, I’m very sorry. But I did enjoy your singing, and I wondered if you could tell me -” Allison started.
    “YOU enjoyed OUR singing?” the hare asked.
    “Oh, what a delightful child.” the hatter said, accidentally sticking his elbow in an empty teacup. “I’m so excited. We never get compliments. You MUST have a cup of tea!”
    “Ah, yes, indeed. Tea, you must have a cup of tea.” the hare said, pouring a saucer out of a teapot, then a cup, then tea.
    “That would be very nice. I’m sorry I interrupted your birthday party.” Allison started again, taking the cup of tea from the hare. “Thank you.”
    “Birthday?!” the hare shouted, taking the tea back with a chuckle. “My dear child, this is not a birthday party!”
    “Of course not! This, is an unbirthday party!” the hatter said, pouring tea in his collar, which came out of his sleeve and into a cup.
    “Unbirthday? Well, I’m sorry, but I don’t quite understand.” Allison said. She went to take the cup of tea from the hare again, but he pulled it right back.
    “It’s very simple,” he began. “now, 30 days have Sept - no…an unbirthday…if you, have a birthday, then…you…” He paused his muttering to laugh. “She doesn’t know what an unbirthday is.”
    “How silly!” the hatter said, covering his mouth as he laughed. “Well, I shall elucidate.” Suddenly, the hare began conducting the teapots, who whistled a tune on the beat.
    “Now, statistics prove, prove that you’ve ONE birthday.” the hatter began singing, but the hare jumped in.
    “Imagine just one birthday every year.” he sang right back.
    “Ah, but there are 364 UNbirthdays!” sang the hatter.
    “Precisely why we’re gathered here to cheer!” sang the hare.
    “Why, then, today is MY unbirthday, too!” Allison said, standing up.
    “It is?” the hare asked.
    “What a small world we live in.” the hatter said.
    “Well, in that case…a very merry unbirthday…”
    “To me?”
    “To you!”
    “A very merry unbirthday…
    “For me!”
    “For you!”
    “Now, blow the candle out, my dear, and make your wish come true!” the hatter said with a giggle. Allison blew out the lone candle on the cake they’d given her, but was astonished to see it sparking like crazy. She let it go and it shot up into the sky in a show of fireworks.
    “A VERY MERRY UNBIRTHDAY TO YOU!” the hare and hatter sang.
    “Twinkle, twinkle, little bat. How I wonder what you’re at. Up above the world you fly, like a tea-tray in the sky.” The lab mouse floated down from the fireworks and landed right back in his teapot, which the hatter put the lid on.
    “Oh, that was lovely.” Allison said, clapping and sitting back down.
    “And uh, now, my dear, you were saying, that you would like to seek…oh, pardon me.” the hatter said, dunking a saucer into his tea, then taking a bite of it. “You were seeking some information of some kind?”
    “Oh, yes, you see, I’m looking for a -”
    “CLEAN CUP! CLEAN CUP! MOVE DOWN!” the hatter shouted. Allison had just gotten a cup of tea, but she hadn’t been able to take a sip before the hatter and hare grabbed her arms and dragged her down the table.
    “But I haven’t used my cup…” she said, trying to stay at her seat.
    “Clean cup, clean cup, move down, move down, clean cup, clean cup, move down!” the hare sang, launching teacups into the air.
    “Would you like a little more tea?” the hatter asked.
    “Well, I haven’t had any yet, so I can’t very well take more.” Allison replied, shaking a teapot with no spout.
    “Ah, you mean you can’t very well take less.” the hare said, grabbing the teapot Allison was struggling with. He cracked it open like an egg and poured the tea inside into Allison’s teacup.
    “Yes. You can always take more than nothing.” the hatter said. He poured out the entire cup of sugar into Allison’s cup of tea, overflowing it.
    “But I only meant that -”
    “And now, my dear, something seems to be troubling you.” the hatter interrupted, taking a sip of his tea. “Uh, won’t you tell us all about it.”
    “Start at the beginning.” the hare said.
    “Yes, yes, and when you come to the end…stop.” the hatter said.
    “Well, it all started when I was sitting in the lab of the hospital.”
    “Very interesting.” the hare interrupted, taking a sip of his tea. “What hospital?” He began panting like a dog.
    “Why, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. You see -”
    “PPTH?” the lab mouse said, popping up from his teapot. “PPTH?! PPTH!” The lab mouse began running around the table like mad, making the hare and the hatter chase after him. They waved their hands around and knocked things down, shouting things like, ‘catch him’ and ‘stop him!’
    “GET THE JAM!” the hare shouted to Allison. She jumped up from her seat and grabbed the jar of jam, running over to the lab mouse.
    “Put it on his nose!” the hatter and hare shouted together. Allison grabbed the butter knife and applied jam to the lab mouse’s nose, which immediately made him calm down. He slowly, sleepily, slid back down into his teapot.
    “Oh, my goodness.” the hatter started, fixing his clothes and hat. “Those are the things that upset me.”
    “See all the trouble you’ve started?” the hare said to Allison, pouring tea into another cup.
    “But really, I didn’t think that -”
    “Ah, but that’s the point. If you don’t think, then you shouldn’t talk!” the hare exclaimed.
    “Clean cup! Clean cup! Move down, move down, move down!”
    “But I still haven’t used -”
    “Move down, move down, move down, move down, move down!” the hare sang, shoving Allison down to the other end of the table.
    “Now, my dear, as you were saying…”
    “Oh, yes. I was sitting in the lab at uh…at, you know where.” Allison whispered, hesitant to frighten the lab mouse by saying ‘PPTH’ again.
    “I DO?!” the hatter exclaimed excitedly.
    “I mean at P - P - T -” Allison whispered.
    “TEA?!” the hatter shouted, interrupting Allison. The hare took a knife and sliced a cup in half, then leaned forward to the hatter and said, “Just half a cup if you don’t mind.” The hatter nodded and poured tea into the cup, which miraculously and surprisingly stayed inside the cup. Allison was amused by this.
    “Come, come, my dear, don’t you care for tea?”
    “Well, yes, I’m very fond of tea. But -”
    “If you don’t care for tea, you could at least make polite conversation.” the hare said. He took a sip of tea from his half-cup.
    “Well, I’ve been trying to ask you -”
    “I have an excellent idea.” the hare said, pounding a huge gavel on the table. “Let’s change the subject.” He pounded the hatter on the head with the gavel, which popped the top off of the hatter’s hat.
    “Why is a raven like a writing desk?” the hatter asked.
    “Riddles?” Allison confirmed. “Let me see now…why is a raven like a writing desk?” She repeated the riddle to herself, trying to work it out.
    “I beg your pardon?” the hatter said.
    “Why is a raven like a writing desk.” Allison said, feeling confused.
    “Why is a what?!” the hatter shouted, dropping his tea and jumping back. The hare leaped over and clung tightly to a chair by his friend. Allison stood up in frustration and walked to the very end of the table.
    “Careful! She’s stark raven mad!”
    “But, but it’s your silly riddle! You just said -”
    “Don’t get excited!” the hatter said, picking up a chair and holding it out for defense against Allison. The hare was sitting in the hatter’s hat, and he peeked his head out to show Allison that he was holding a teacup.
    “How about a nice cup of tea?” he asked, his arm shaking.
    “Have a cup of tea, indeed!” Allison said, slamming her hand on the table. “Well, I’m sorry, but I just haven’t the time!” She stormed off, but stopped when she heard the hare shouting.
    “The time! The time! Who’s got the time?!” he shouted. Suddenly, the teddy bear came rushing in through the gate.
    “No, no, no, no, no. No time. Hello! Goodbye! I’m late! I’m late! I’m late!” he said. Allison jumped and turned around.
    “The teddy bear!” she said with a smile and a gasp.
    “I’m so late! I’m so very, very late!” the bear said, staring at his pocket-watch. He was yanked back, however, by the Mad Hatter, who had grabbed his watch to take a look.
    “Why, no wonder you’re late.” the hatter said, shaking the watch and listening to it. “Why, this clock is exactly two days slow!”
    “Two days slow?!” the bear asked, grabbing his head.
    “Of course you’re late. My goodness.” the hatter said with a giggle. He dunked the watch into a pot of tea, then flipped the watch around and opened it up. He grabbed the salt shaker and held it to his eye.
    “We’ll just have to look into this.” he said, letting salt pour into the guts of the watch. “Ah-ha!” he shouted. “I see what’s wrong with it! Why, this watch is full of wheels!” He used his fork to get the salt (and wheels) out of the watch.
    “Oh, my poor watch!” the bear exclaimed, reaching out for springs and wheels as they went flying through the air above his head. “Oh, my wheels! And springs! But-but-but-but-but -”
    “Butter! Of course! It needs some butter! Butter!” the hatter said.
    “Butter!” the hare shouted.
    “But-but-butter?” the bear questioned, grabbing the butter container and handing it to the hatter.
    “Butter. Oh, thank you. Butter. Yes, that’s fine.” the hatter said, spreading butter onto the contents of the watch.
    “No, no, no! No, no, no, no, you‘ll get crumbs in it!” the bear shouted.
    “Oh, this is the very best butter!” the hatter said, slamming the butter in the bear’s face. “What are you talking about?”
    “Tea?” the hare asked.
    “Tea! Oh, I never thought of tea. Of course, tea!” the hatter said, pouring tea into the watch.
    “No, not tea!” the bear said. The hare shoved the bear away with his foot while he suggested sugar to the hatter.
    “Sugar? Yes, two spoons. Yes, two spoons, thank you, yes.” the hatter said, taking two spoons (not two spoons of sugar, two actual spoons) and shoving them down into the watch.
    “Be careful!” the bear shouted, running up to the hatter.
    “Jam?” the hare asked.
    “Jam! I forgot all about jam! Just shows you what a mess will do.” the hatter said, dumping all the jam onto the watch and spreading it around with a knife.
    “Mustard?” the hare asked.
    “Mustard, yes! M…MUSTARD?!” the hatter shouted, making a look of disapproval. “Don’t let’s be silly! Lemon, that’s different, yes. There! That should do it.” the hatter said. He had squeezed lemon juice into the watch, then slammed the lid shut, which left a ring of mess connected to the watch. The hatter cut it off carefully, then jumped back when the watch began to ring and jump around like crazy.
    “Look at that!” the hatter said.
    “It’s going mad!” the hare said.
    “Oh, my goodness!” Allison said.
    “Oh, dear!” the bear said.
    “Mad watch! Mad watch! MAD WATCH!” exclaimed the hare. “There’s only one way to stop a mad watch!” The hare slammed his giant gavel down onto the watch, stopping it immediately. Pieces went flying everywhere.
    “Two days slow, that’s what it is.” the hatter said, pushing the mess away from him and back towards the bear.
    “Oh, my watch.” the bear said, starting to cry.
    “It WAS?!” the hatter said, smiling.
    “And it was an unbirthday present, too.” the bear said.
    “Well, in that case…” the hare said. He and his friend grabbed the bear’s arms and began swinging him back and forth.
    “A very merry unbirthday…TO…YOU!” they sang, launching the bear out of their backyard and away from their tea party.
    “Mr. Bear! Oh, Mr. Bear!” Allison shouted after the bear, running to the gate and leaving the tea party as well. “Now where did he go to?” she asked herself with an annoyed scoff. She heard the Mad Hatter and the March Hare singing their ridiculous unbirthday song again.
    “Of all the silly nonsense. This is the stupidest tea party I’ve ever been too in all my life!” she said, stomping away, back into the woods. She continued on her search for the bear, hoping to find someone that could help her and not drive her completely mad…

WONDERLANDWONDERLANDWONDERLANDWONDERLAND

    Allison was still fuming from the tea party, and she decided something drastic as she stomped off into the woods, reviewing the events of the day.
    “Well, I’ve had enough nonsense! I’m going back to the hospital! Right back!” she said to herself, stomping off in a different direction. “That bear. Who cares where he’s going anyway.” She calmed herself and stepped over a root of a tree that was in her path. She looked up and saw a sign that read, ‘Tulgey Wood.’
    “Hmm…curious…I don’t remember this…” Allison said, reflecting on her trips through the forest. She decided to delve deeper into the woods and hope to find a pathway that would lead her home. When in the forest, she saw many strange creatures; syringe vultures, glasses-faced birds, pill-headed birds, and beaker-headed birds, to name a few. She began to get worried when she noticed it getting darker.
    “Oh, dear. Nothing looks familiar…” she said. When she stepped over a log and accidentally stepped on a strange horn-bodied duck type creature, she jumped back and fell down.
    “Oh, I beg your pardon!” she said, but the creatures waddled off into the water, honking at her. She sighed and crossed the small river, saying, “When I get home, I shall write a book about this place…if…if I ever do get home…”
    As she walked further into the woods, she bumped into a glass box-bodied bird, who had two small babies sitting in its box body. The small babies jumped out, but the box-bodied bird chased after them and swallowed them, putting them right back into its box body. Allison ran off away from the strange creature, only to find more strange creatures.
    There were hammer-head birds and pencil-head birds putting up signs. Allison read what the pencil-head birds had written.
    “Don’t…Step…On…The…Momeraths…the momeraths?!” she said, looking down. There were little tufts of colored fluff on the ground, that jumped up and looked at Allison. They had two legs and two eyes each, and they all ran round each other until they’d formed an arrow. Allison looked at where the momeraths were pointing…they were pointing to a new pathway.
    “A path! Oh, thank goodness! I just knew I’d find one sooner or later. If I hurry back…I might even…be home in time for tea! Oh, won’t House and the crew be happy to see me!” she muttered to herself as she ran down the pathway. “Oh, I just can’t wait til I - oh!” She saw a broom-headed and broom-tailed dog coming down the pathway…no! Dusting away the pathway! It was disappearing right before Allison’s eyes. When the dog stepped around her and erased the pathway behind her, Allison began to wring her hands.
    “Oh, dear…now I shall never get out…” she said, sitting down on a large rock to her left. “Well,” she began, “when one’s lost, I…I suppose it’s good advice…to stay where you are…until someone finds you…but…but who’d ever think to look for me here?” She looked around and saw the strange creatures sitting in the trees that surrounded her.
    “Good advice…” she muttered, sighing heavily and beginning to cry. “If I’d listened earlier, I wouldn’t be here. But that’s just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice…but I very seldom follow it…” She began to sing to the creatures, who watched her intently.
    “That explains, the trouble that I’m always in…be patient…is very good advice…but the waiting makes me curious…and I’d love the change…should something strange…begin…” She sighed and spoke to the creatures and herself. “Well, I went along my merry way…and I never stopped to reason…I should’ve known there’d be a price to pay…someday, someday.” She started to cry, as did the creatures, as she tried to catch her breath.
    “I give myself…very good advice…but I very seldom follow it…will I ever learn…to do the things I should?” she finished, crying heavily. The creatures began to disappear as they cried with Allison, leaving the spot that Allison sat very dark and empty. Suddenly, behind Allison, the Cheshire cat’s smile appeared up in a tree, and it began to hum his little tune. Allison turned around as the cat appeared and sang the last line of ‘’Twas Brillig.’
    “Oh, Cheshire cat, it’s you!”
    “Whom did you expect? The teddy bear, per chance?”
    “Oh, no, no, no. I’m through with bears. I wanna go home,” Allison paused to blow her nose on her handkerchief. “but I can’t find my way…”
    “Naturally. That’s because you have no way. All ways here, you see, are the queen’s ways!”
    “The queen’s ways? But I’ve never met any queen.”
    “You haven’t? You ha-VENT?! Oh, but you must! She’ll be mad about you! Simply mad!” the cat said with a mischievous giggle. “And the momeraths outgrabe -” he sang as he began to disappear again.
    “Please, please! How can I find her?”
    “Well, some go this way,” he said, pointing in one direction, “some go that way,” pointing in another direction, “but as for me, myself, personally, I prefer the short cut.” The cat pulled on a branch in the tree he currently occupied, which opened a door at the base of the tree. Through the door, Allison could see a huge castle and long lines of shrubbery.
    “Oh!” Allison said, as she stepped through the door. She walked inside and saw that she was in a maze of shrubs. She ran around through the maze, following the faint sound of singing voices.
    “Painting the roses red, we’re painting the roses red! We dare not stop, or waste a drop, so let the paint be spread! We’re painting the roses red! We’re painting the roses red!”
    A splatter of red paint flew over a wall of the maze and almost landed on Allison’s head. She side-stepped it and looked over the wall, until she noticed an opening in the maze to her right. She ran through and pondered what she saw before her for a moment. There were three nurses with buckets of paint and paint-brushes jumping around a bush. They were - you guessed it - painting white roses red as they sang.
    “Ohhhhh! Painting the roses red, and many a tear we shed! Because we know…they’ll cease to grow…in fact they’ll soon be dead…and yet we go ahead…painting the roses red!” They moved onto the next bush and continued.
    “Painting the roses red, we’re painting the roses red!”
    “Oh, pardon me, but Miss Katie, why must you paint them red?” Allison interjected, singing along with the nurses. Nurse Katie answered her.
    “Well, the fact is, miss, we planted white roses by mistake, and…”
    “The queen, she likes them red, if she saw white instead! She’d raise a fuss, and each of us, would quickly lose her head.” they sang in unison.
    “Goodness!” Allison said.
    “Since this is the thought we dread…we’re painting the roses red!”
    “Oh, dear! Well, then, let me help you!” Allison said, grabbing a bucket and brush. Then she joined the nurses in singing their song…
    “Painting the roses red, we’re painting the roses red! Don’t tell the queen what you have seen, or say that’s what we said, but we’re painting the roses red,” they sang together.
    “Yes! Painting the roses red!” Allison sang.
    “Not pink!” Nurse Brenda said.
    “Not green!” Nurse Katie said.
    “Not aquamarine!” Allison said.
    “We’re painting the roses red!” they finished together.
    They were interrupted (though it seemed they’d finished their painting) by a fanfare, which was followed by a huge march of nurses.
    “The queen!”
    “The queen!”
    “The queen!”
    The  three nurses and Allison scrambled to get everything out of sight, then they (and Allison) jumped down onto the ground as if they were bowing down (which, of course, they were). Suddenly, a huge, booming voice exploded through the music.
    “NURSES! COUNT OFF!” she exclaimed. They did so, and jumped to the side to allow the queen entrance into the huge circle of nurses that surrounded Nurses Katie, Brenda and Liz. And Allison, of course. Suddenly, the bear came running up from behind the group of nurses and Allison, and up to where the queen would make her entrance. He was trumpeting like crazy and trying to catch his breath (apparently, he had something to say).
    “The teddy bear.” Allison whispered with a gasp.
    “Her Imperial Highness! Her Grace! Her Excellency! Her Royal Majesty! The Queen of Hospitals!” the bear shouted. Allison blinked, then blinked again, when she saw who stepped out in front of the crowd…Cuddy?

WONDERLANDWONDERLANDWONDERLANDWONDERLAND

    The crowd was cheering for the queen quite loudly, then a small, little man stepped out from behind the queen, nodding to the bear.
    “And the king.” the bear said quietly. The king of hospitals (another blink of astonishment - the king was Chase) took his crown off his head and looked around at the crowd with a smile. Only one nurse expressed her joy by saying, “Hooray!” Then Cuddy the queen spotted a rose that had only been half-painted, and red paint was dripping off of it slowly. She became insanely furious and stomped over to the rose bushes, an evil smile creeping across her face.
    “Who’s been painting my roses red?” she asked. No one answered.
    “WHO’S BEEN PAINTING MY ROSES RED?!” she shouted, yanking an entire bush of roses out of the ground and shaking it around. Then she began…singing?
    “Who dares to taint with vulgar paint, the royal flower bed?! For painting my roses red! Someone will lose her head.” she sang, standing in front of Nurses Katie, Brenda and Liz. And Allison, of course.
    “No, no! Your Grace, please! It’s all her fault!” Brenda said, pointing to Liz, who jumped up to defend herself (and toss the blame like a hot potato).
    “Not me, your Majesty! Nurse Katie! Nurse Katie!” Liz said.
    “You?” Cuddy the queen asked.
    “No, Nurse Liz!” Katie shouted.
    “THAT’S ENOUGH! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!” Cuddy the queen shouted. She smiled broadly as she received huge applause and cheer from her crowd. Then, the singing began again…
    “They’re going to lose their heads, for painting the roses red! It serves them right, they planted white, and roses should be red! Oh! They’re going to lose they’re heads!” the nurses sang, carrying off Katie, Brenda and Liz.
    “SILENCE!” Cuddy shouted, her booming voice knocking down all of the nurses. She looked to Allison.
    “Oh, please, please, they were only trying to -” Allison started.
    “And who is this?!” Cuddy questioned, pointing to Allison. Chase the king scurried out from behind Cuddy (get your head out of the gutter - this is a children’s story!) and up to Allison.
    “Well, well, well, now, let me see, my dear.” he said to Cuddy. “It certainly isn’t an intern…do you suppose it’s a patient?”
    “Why, it’s a resident doctor.”
    “Yes. And I was hoping -” Allison said, standing. She began to wring her hands nervously, but stopped speaking when she was interrupted.
    “Look up. Speak nicely. And don’t twiddle your fingers! Put on your name tag. Button that lab coat. Open your mouth a little wider. And always say, ‘YES, Your Majesty!’” Cuddy instructed.
    “YES, Your Majesty!” Allison said, doing everything that she was told to.
    “Good dear, now, where do you come from…and…where are you going?” Cuddy asked, walking away from Allison very slowly and fanning herself with a patient’s file.
    “Well, I-I, I’m trying to find my way back to Princeton-Plainsboro.”
    “YOUR way?! ALL ways here are MY ways!” The shouting knocked Allison down onto the ground.
    “Yes, I know. But I was just thinking -” Allison began, crossing her arms.
    “Stand and keep your arms down while your thinking. It saves time.”
    “Yes, Your Majesty, but I was only going to ask -”
    “I’LL ask the questions!” Cuddy shouted. Then calmly, she leaned down to Allison and asked, “Do you play croquet?”
    “Why, yes, Your Majesty.”
    “Then let the game begin!”
    The teddy bear came scurrying in, tooting his trumpet in a fanfare.
    “To your places, to your places, hurry, hurry, hurry.” Chase instructed. All the nurses scurried about, running to stand in place for the croquet game. They all bent their bodies into bridges and remained that way, patiently waiting the start of the game. Allison watched as the bear wheeled over a caddy (as if in golf) filled with croquet mallets…but they weren’t croquet mallets…they were…canes? And the balls were not croquet balls…they were…lab rats?
    Cuddy grabbed a cane and wiggled her bottom as she positioned herself in front of one of the lab rats. She took (what she thought to be, anyway) good aim, then pulled the cane back and swung it around in a mad attempt to hit the lab rat (which had rolled into a ball). Chase came up to the lab rat and told it to go. The lab rat began to run quite quickly, then rolled into a ball and rolled underneath the arched nurses, who moved to accommodate the queen’s hit. The rat stopped when it reached the end, and it fell back, feeling dizzy. Everyone cheered for the queen, who’d gotten her rat under every arched nurse. Allison clapped along with the others. The queen took another swing at the rat, who rolled underneath the arched nurses yet again. However, one nurse scrambled to arch into a bridge, but missed the rat, causing the crowd to gasp.
    “OFF WITH HER HEAD!” Cuddy shouted. The crowd cheered as the nurse was taken away.
    “Off with her head! Off with her head! By order of the King! You heard what she said!” Chase muttered, running around like a doofus.
    “You’re next, my dear.” Cuddy said to Allison. Allison mistook this as meaning she was next to lose her head, but when Cuddy sat down to relax, Allison realized she meant it was her turn to take a swing. She grabbed a cane that looked vaguely familiar…it had a vertical stripe on it…and she positioned herself in front of her lab rat. She leaned on the cane to move her rat, when the cane snapped in half. The crowd burst into laughter and Allison grabbed the bottom half of the cane and smacked it into the lab rat. The rat went flying - it was a perfect shot - but the arched nurses moved out of the way of the rat so that it would miss every arch. The rat banged into a tree and the crowd cheered.
    Cuddy smirked as she moved to take a swing. It was, again, her turn. As she walked towards her rat, a tail appeared on her back. Then, the infamous smile of the Cheshire cat appeared above the tail, making Allison drop her jaw in surprise. The cat appeared slowly, humming his tune.
    “I say, how are you getting on?” he asked, smiling at Allison.
    “Not at all.” she replied.
    “Beg pardon?”
    “I said not at all!”
    “Who are you talking to?!” Cuddy asked, spinning around. The Cheshire cat’s body disappeared, leaving his head ’floating’ right next to Cuddy’s head.
    “A cat, Your Majesty.” Allison said calmly, pointing to the Cheshire cat’s head. However, he made his head disappear, and when the queen Cuddy turned to see the cat, she saw absolutely nothing.
    “Where?” she demanded. The cat’s head appeared behind Cuddy.
    “There!” Allison pointed, but the head disappeared again. Cuddy spun around to look for the cat, who’s entire body appeared on her back this time.
    “Oh, there he is again!”
    “I warn you, doctor. If I lose my temper, YOU LOSE YOUR HEAD! Understand?!” Cuddy threatened. She spun around and began walking back to the lab rat she had yet to hit.
    “You know, we could make her really angry. Shall we try?” the Cheshire cat asked, leaning on Cuddy’s back.
    “Oh, no, no!” Allison said, waving her hands to make him stop.
    “Oh, but it’s loads of fun.” the cat said. The queen was just pulling the cane back to take her swing, but the cat hooked the cane on the bottom of Cuddy’s dress, which was pulled up when Cuddy went to swing.
    “No, no, no! Stop!” Allison shouted to the cat…but it was too late. The queen flipped over and landed on her head, getting stuck in the ground with her bottom hanging out of her dress.
    “Oh, no!” Allison said, clutching her head in worry and fear. The nurses ran up to surround Cuddy so she could get out of the ground without much more embarrassment.
    “Oh, my stars and stethoscope!” the teddy bear shouted.
    “Oh, dear! Save the queen!” Chase the king shouted, running up to the barrier between the queen and her audience.
    “Someone’s head will roll for this!” Cuddy shouted, breaking through the nurses, who fell to the ground in fear.
    “YOURS!” Cuddy screeched, pointing to Allison. She tumbled back against a line-up of nurses as she watched the queen go crazy.
    “OFF WITH HER -”
    “Oh, but, consider my dear,” Chase said, tugging on Cuddy’s dress, “couldn’t she have a trial? Huh? First?”
    “TRIAL?!” Cuddy exclaimed.
    “Well, uh, just, uh, a little trial? Hmm?” Chase requested. Allison nodded hopefully as everyone awaited the queen’s decision.
    “Hmm…very well, then.” Cuddy said, patting her king on the head. “LET THE TRIAL BEGIN!” Everyone cheered happily as they prepared for the trial.

WONDERLANDWONDERLANDWONDERLANDWONDERLAND

    Nurses lined the walls and filled the courtroom. The bear came trumpeting in, running down the aisle and up to his podium. Allison stood at her stand where she was guarded by two nurses. The king and queen sat up in their ‘bench’ type area, awaiting the start of the trial. A jury of birds and other creatures sat in their jury box, ready to take notes.
    “Your Majesty.” the bear said, bowing to her as he got up to his podium. “Members of the jury.” He bowed to them as well. “Lawyers, subjects.” He began to unroll a scroll to read from, but the king tapped him and pointed to himself. “And the king.” he said exasperatedly. He read from the scroll, gaining angry looks from Allison. “The prisoner of the bar is charged with enticing Her Majesty, the Queen of Hospitals, into a game of croquet, and thereby willfully, teasing, tormenting and otherwise annoying our beloved -”
    “Never mind all that! Get to the part where I lose my temper.” Cuddy screeched, smiling at the last part. The teddy bear scrambled to find the part where the queen lost her temper.
    “- thereby, causing the queen to lose her temper!” the bear finally said.
    “Now, are you ready for your sentence?” Cuddy asked Allison.
    “Sentence?” Allison asked, sighing. “Oh, but there must be a verdict first.”
    “SENTENCE FIRST! Verdict afterward.” Cuddy shouted.
    “But that just isn’t the way!” Allison said, a worried tone in her voice.
    “All ways are -” Cuddy started.
    “Your ways, Your Majesty.” Allison finished, bowing to Cuddy.
    “Yes, my doctor. OFF WITH HER -”
    “But, consider, my dear, we’ve called no witnesses. Couldn’t we hear, maybe one or two? Huh? Maybe?” Chase asked.
    “Oh, very well. BUT GET ON WITH IT!” Cuddy replied.
    “First witness! First witness! Call the first witness!” Chase said.
    “The March Hare.” announced the teddy bear.
    “What do you know about this, uh, unfortunate affair?” Chase asked.
    “Nothing.” the hare replied.
    “Nothing whatever?!” Cuddy shouted.
    “Nothing whatever!” the hare shouted back.
    “That’s very important! Jury, write that down!” Cuddy said. The jury did as they were told, writing down very, nothing, important, and whatever.
    “’Unimportant,’ Your Majesty means, of course.” Allison said, smiling.
    “SILENCE!” Cuddy screeched, banging her gavel. “Next witness.”
    “The lab mouse.” the bear said. Allison turned to see the lab mouse being brought into the courtroom in his teapot. The queen grabbed the teapot, lifted the lid and shouted, “WELL?!” into the pot. The two nurses that brought the teapot into the courtroom shushed the queen, not wanting to make the lab mouse freak out. The queen got the idea and nodded.
    “What have you to say about this?” she asked the teapot.
    “Twinkle, twinkle, little bat. How I wonder -”
    “That’s the most important piece of evidence we’ve heard yet.” Cuddy whispered. “WRITE THAT DOWN!” She shouted to the jurors, who quickly scribbled down the song the lab mouse sang.
    “Twinkle, twinkle.” Allison said to herself, making a face. “What next?”
    “The Mad Hatter.” the bear announced. The hatter stepped onto the stand.
    “OFF WITH YOUR HAT!” the queen screamed.
    “Oh, my!” the hatter said with a giggle. He removed his hat to reveal a teapot and a teacup on top of his head.
    “Where were you when this horrible crime was committed?” Chase asked.
    “I was home drinking tea.” the hatter said, squirting tea from the pot into the cup and taking a sip. “Today, you know, is my unbirthday!”
    “Why, my dear! Today is YOUR unbirthday, too!” Chase informed the queen, who smiled broadly at this news.
    “It is?” she asked.
    “It is?” the hare and hatter said together.
    “It is?” all the nurses asked. Allison was dumbfounded at the stupidity of the courtroom. There was a trial going on and everyone cared more about the queen’s unbirthday? How ridiculous!
    “A very merry unbirthday!” everyone began singing as the hatter and hare rolled out their tablecloth, full of tea and cake.
    “To me?” the queen asked.
    “To you!” the nurses sang.
    “Oh, no!” Allison said at the same time. She put her hand to her face and sighed in utter frustration.
    “A very merry unbirthday!”
    “For me?”
    “For you!”
    “Now, blow the candles out my dear and make your wish come true!” the hatter sang, throwing a bunch of lit candles onto the cake in front of the queen. The queen blew out every single candle, and the cake suddenly turned into a box, gift-wrapped for the queen.
    “A very merry unbirthday to you!” everyone finished. The queen found a huge crown in the box, which she put on her head. What she didn’t know, is that the crown was actually the Cheshire cat, who appeared and smiled at Allison.
    “Oh! Your Majesty!” Allison said with a smile.
    “Yes, my dear?” Cuddy asked with a giggle. The Cheshire cat waved.
    “Look! There he is now!” Allison said.
    “Huh? What? Who?!” the queen asked, looking around.
    “The Cheshire cat!” Allison said.
    “Cat!” the queen said, grabbing at the air above her head where the cat had once been. He had disappeared, and unfortunately, the lab mouse had heard the queen scream ‘cat.’
    “CAT?!” the lab mouse screamed, jumping out of his teapot and running around like mad. The hare and hatter chased after the mouse, and finally they caught him.
    “Somebody get the jam!” the hatter said.
    “The jam! The jam! By order of the king!” Chase said. Allison seemed to be the only one with enough sense to actually go and get the jam off of the bench.
    “The jam!” the hare said, grabbing it from Allison.
    “Let me have it!” the queen shouted, putting her hand out for the jar. But the hare had already put some on a knife and he threw a huge glob of jam at the queen’s face. It splattered all over her face and she growled angrily as the king chased after the lab mouse with his gavel. Unfortunately, he accidentally hit the queen’s crown, bending it down into a tapestry that had fallen on her head.
    “Somebody’s head is going to roll for this!” she shouted, ripping through the tapestry with just her hands. Her face was dripping with jam. Everyone had tossed the gavel to someone else, and it eventually wound up in Allison’s hands, as did the jam. She tossed the things aside and put her hands in her lab coat pockets, smiling innocently.
    “Aha!” the queen shouted. When Allison realized she had something in her pockets, she pulled the items out and looked at them for a moment.
    “The mushroom!” she said to herself, shoving the pieces of mushroom in her mouth and chewing them up quickly.
    “OFF WITH HER -” Cuddy began, but she stopped when Allison began growing to be about twenty times her original size. All the nurses made a lot of noise, trying to scare away Allison.
    “Oh, pooh,” she said, her head touching the ceiling, “I’m not afraid of you.” The nurses scurried away when Allison brought her hand down to pick some of them up. “Why, you’re nothing but a bunch of nurses.” she said, tossing them back onto the floor.
    “Rule 42 - all persons more than a mile high must leave the court immediately.” Chase said, wagging a finger at Allison.
    “I am NOT a mile high. And I’m not leaving.” Allison said, crossing her arms.
    “Sorry. Rule 42, you know.” Cuddy said, nervously playing with her bent-up crown.
    “And as for YOU, Your Majesty,” Allison began, “Your Majesty, indeed. Why, you’re not a queen. You’re just a, a fat, pompous, bad-tempered old ty…tyrant…” Allison hadn’t realized that her body had shrunk down, back to her normal size, while she was yelling at the queen.
    “And, uh, what were you saying, my dear?” the queen asked, an evil grin playing across her face. The Cheshire cat had re-appeared atop the queen’s head, and informed Cuddy just what Allison said.
    “Well, she simply said that you’re a fat, pompous, bad-tempered old tyrant!” the cat exclaimed, laughing slightly, then disappearing.
    “OFF WITH HER HEAD!!!” Cuddy screeched. The nurses made a mad jump at Allison, who leaped off of the defendant’s stand and ran out of the courtroom. The bear began trumpeting like crazy after Allison, and the nurses chased Allison into the maze just outside of the castle.
    Allison ran and ran, hoping to escape them soon. Somehow, they had all wound up in the caucus race from the beginning of Allison’s adventure. All the creatures (the birds, the queen, the nurses, the Tweedles, the hatter and hare, etc.) were in the caucus race, and one of the birds was pushing Allison to run faster.
    “Off with her head! Off with her head!” the queen shouted as she, Allison and the nurses escaped the caucus race and began jumping over rocks and stones on the beach. Suddenly, the beach turned into the tea party table, with teapots and cups on top, spouting out music.
    “You can’t leave a tea party without having a cup of tea, you know!” the hatter shouted, grabbing Allison’s right arm.
    “But I can’t stop now!” Allison said, looking back.
    “Ah, but we insist!” the hare said, grabbing Allison’s left arm. “You must join us in a cup of tea!” Now the three of them were standing atop a large spoon, which was sitting on the edge of a large cup of tea. The hatter dunked them in and Allison swam through the drink, coming out in an ocean, the queen not far behind. She spotted the caterpillar atop a mushroom and swam over to him, grabbing onto the edge of the mushroom.
    “Mr. Caterpillar, what will I do?” Allison asked frantically.
    “Who are you?!” the caterpillar asked, huffing smoke into Allison’s face. She coughed severely, disappearing into a vortex of swirling smoke. She ran and ran, hoping to escape. The queen followed her, the nurses close behind.
    “There she is! Don’t let her get away!” Cuddy shouted. Allison caught up to the doorknob from the very beginning and grabbed onto it, turning it hard to get out. The doorknob, however, wouldn’t turn.
    “I’m locked, you know!” the doorknob said.
    “The queen!” Allison said, breathlessly. “I simply must get out!”
    “But you are outside.” the doorknob said with a smile.
    “What?” Allison asked, confused.
    “See for yourself.” the doorknob said, opening his keyhole-mouth.
    “Why - why, that’s me!” Allison said excitedly, seeing herself asleep in the lab at Princeton-Plainsboro. “I’m asleep!”
    “Don’t let her get away!” the queen screeched. “Off with her head!”
    “Cameron, wake up!” Allison shouted to her sleeping self, pounding on the door where the doorknob had his mouth still open. “Please, wake up, Cameron! Cameron! Please, wake up, Cameron!”

    “Cameron! Cameron! Cameron! Cameron!”

WONDERLANDWONDERLANDWONDERLANDWONDERLAND

    “Cameron! Cameron! Cameron! Cameron!” House shouted, shaking Allison Cameron. She was asleep in the lab and House had been trying to wake her for at least five minutes, now.
    “Cameron! Wake up!” he shouted. Finally, Allison opened her eyes.
    “House? Oh, House!” she said, jumping up and hugging House.
    “What the hell?! What’s wrong with you?!” House said.
    “Oh, uh, I-I’m sorry. I had this terrible nightmare -”
    “Yeah, well, it’s time to work. I’m the only one who gets to ignore patients. Now, come on. We’re still doing that differential.” he said. But Allison spun him around and kissed him. She parted his lips with her tongue and ran her hands down his chest. When she pulled away, he stared at her.
    “What the hell was that for?” he asked, wiping his mouth like a little kid.
    “Come on.” she said, grabbing his hand and pulling him to the back of the lab, where they couldn’t be seen. That afternoon, Allison had another adventure, but it wasn’t in Wonderland, and it wasn’t at all scary.
    “Damn, Cameron. Who knew?” House said, laying on his jacket on the floor. Allison smiled, her head resting on his bare chest. They laid there in silence, when all of a sudden, House began humming…
    “And the momeraths outgrabe…” he sang quietly. Allison looked at him strangely.
    “Why are you singing that?” she asked, becoming worried.
    “Are you kidding? Alice in Wonderland is my favorite movie!” House snarked, acting like a ten-year old girl. Allison smacked his arm and smirked.
    “Oh, shut up, you Cheshire cat.” she said. House raised an eyebrow, then shook his head.
    “Come on. Cuddy’s gonna kill us if she finds us down here.” he said. And they gathered their clothes, got dressed and scurried out of the lab, heading for the diagnostics office. There was something in the lab that neither of them noticed…a smile sat atop one of the computers, humming ‘Twas Brillig. As eyes appeared above it, the last words of the song could be heard, just before the eyes and smile disappeared…
    “And the momeraths outgrabe…”

THE END